I'm onto something good

Hey y'all,

This is fucking awesome. I've been in Vegas for about 5 days now. For those of you who don't already know, I lived in Vegas for four years. This is the first time I have been here in five and a half years, and not everyone has forgotten me. In fact, I am using Josh Ellis's laptop to write this entry.

This journey is really tough; probably tougher than I expected. It involves a lot of pain, both physically and emotionally. However, the pain is one of the best feelings I've ever experienced. I can't explain it, but somehow this experience has proven to me that I was meant for Aimless and Aimless was meant for me.

I have an abundance of really great video footage already, without really trying. I intend to put some of it up on the web site shortly after I return home to Ohio. I can't wait to watch it and work on it, and I can't wait for you to see it.

I hitchhiked from Richfield, Utah to Cedar City, Utah several days ago, then I hitchhiked from Cedar City to Vegas. It was liberating or something. It's fun and scary and interesting. Certainly a new experience.

I think I'm going to head out of Vegas on Sunday. Gonna make a b-line to Ohio so I can see the doc. I have so much to say, but I hear a beer calling my name right now. You can be assured I will have pages and pages to write when I get back home. I'd love to get some phone calls from anyone lurking. 614-738-3867.

Let's get this started

I think I'm going to break some of my Aimless rules during this unexpected prototypical Aimless trial run. It just wouldn't make any sense to play by the rules right now because I am not properly equipped. For one thing, I am wearing horrible walking shoes and my stuff is packed in two bags, instead of one large hiking backpack. Also, I am in the middle of one of America's most desolate and unforgiving regions (Richfield, Utah), so it would be stupid to head out on foot.

Here's what I think I'll do: First I'll get some stuff I need at K-Mart, like videotapes and water. Then I will head to the westbound I-70 on-ramp, where I'll write "Aimless" with a Sharpie on a page of my notebook. I'll then hold up the notebook for passing motorists to see. Maybe one of them will pick me up.

Why westbound I-70, instead of Ohio-bound I-70?

I've decided to go to Vegas, where I will try to bump into some people I knew when I lived there. Maybe I can get some lodging with an old friend for a night or two. Can't stay long, though, because I have to get back home for a doctor's appointment in 9 days.

If anyone I know in Vegas sees this and would like to meet up with me somewhere, give me a call at 614-738-3867.

I gotta get going.

Aimless

Aimless is for real!

So much to say, yet so much other stuff to do...

I am alone in Richfield, Utah right now, in a Travelodge motel, after becoming entirely fed up with the bullshit I've been dealing with for the last few days.

Long story. Where to start?

I left my travel partners a few hours ago because I just don't need the shit I've been dealing with. In fact, that's exactly what I said to 1eyeJack (who I'll refer to as Patrick from now on). When he asked me what was up, I said, "I don't need this shit," and I walked off to begin Aimless. I'll explain in further detail whenever I get back home.

So tomorrow I'm going to start walking. Should I continue going west or should I head back toward home? Keep in mind, I am in a desert in the middle of nowhere right now, so I have to make some wise choices.

Wow, this is awesome, but it is scary as hell, too.

I have so much to say right now, but my mind is too swamped to spit it out. Plus I'm tired as hell. Maybe I'll get back to this computer tomorrow after I check out. Besides, I'm in no hurry to go anywhere.

One last thing: Way to go, Buckeyes!!! I only got to see the fourth quarter (which really pisses me off), but I'll be able to watch it on tape when I get home.

If anyone has any ideas about where I should go from here, call me at 614-738-3867 because I probably won't have access to any of my e-mail accounts for a while.

Aimless

Goin' to California...

...with an achin'... in my heart.

Actually, I'm just going to California. No aching.

I just got a call from 1eyeJack in Cedarville. He needs someone to help him drive to California and Texas to pick up some stuff. And he needs to leave like NOW, so I have no time to write about it. Hopefully I'll have some computer access along the way, so I can update and stuff. Gonna try to take a camcorder and get some interesting footage.

See y'all soon...

Aimless

You should read this

This is really good. You should read it. That's all.

I'm starting to feel some momentum again

A little over a month ago, I received an e-mail from Chris Weaver, who ended up on the Aimless web site via some web surfing. Chris was kind enough to provide some feedback about Aimless, which I appreciate immensely. Some of his feedback is actually very similar to some of the discussions I've had with Jay on this blog. (You are a guy, right, Chris?) But he also said some things that I haven't heard from anyone else, some things that really impressed me.

Chris's letter follows:

hi,
I just stumbled upon your website. I have had very similar ideas for making a documentary. I'd be happy to help out. But I must say after reading the whole site, you are putting way too much emphasis on the gear. You can shoot a film like this with a 200 dollar dv camera and get the exact same impact from the story as you would if the pixilation was a tad better. Its a story you are after not production values, plus I can tell you from years of experiance dragging gear all over the world that you will get so sick of all that stuff after the first week. That is, if it is not stolen from you or you end up having to pawn it for survival funds.

Anyhow I'd be happy to work with you on the project if you need it. I would make sure you really want to do it and are not just putting up walls (in the form of unnessisary expensive gear) to prevent it from happening. Also you might think about going at it half=way. Just spend a week or two documenting your city or state via the methods you propose. See if it yields something worthy of editing. I find that these sorts of stories are a million times easier to cover when you are in a completely foreign culture because people are much more willing to invite you into their lives but if it is in your own culture you are much less of a novelty and people are eager to pass you buy. Have you thought of maybe going to an english speaking country like Belize or Guyana and trying this?

--Chris

The thing that really impressed me was his comment about putting up walls. I even replied specifically to that comment, saying, "I like your psychological insight about putting up walls. The question here is: Could a psychologist or psychiatrist have seen so deep? (That is, assuming you are not a psychologist or psychiatrist.)"

But here's what really impressed me about the comment: He was right. Not completely right, but very close to dead center. Even before receiving Chris's e-mail, I knew something was holding me back, keeping me from going out and making Aimless. But I also knew exactly what was holding me back. It was Pinky.

Even though Pinky seemed pretty healthy this past summer when I launched the web site, I still would have had a very difficult time leaving home for who knows how long, had I received adequate sponsorship. Even though it seemed that Pinky might end up living for several more years, I don't think I would have been able to leave him behind, because I've too often witnessed how quickly feline leukemia takes them away.

I didn't feel any kind of obligation to Pinky; I just loved him so much that I couldn't have left him, knowing I may never see him again. That may sound kind of corny, but I know that cat loved me way the hell more than any person has ever loved me. And I'm not worried if anyone thinks I'm some kind of weirdo for loving a cat so much. The fact is that Pinky's love helped me through some of the toughest times of my life. That kind of love is more important than what people think of me.

Anyway, Pinky is gone now, and there is nothing else holding me back.

Well, winter is holding me back right now. I know I could do it in winter just as well as I could do it in spring or summer, but I don't want to start in winter because I don't want the opening scenes of Aimless to be colorless and lifeless. I don't want to start in winter because that would require heavier clothes, thus more stuff to carry. I don't want to start in winter because I haven't learned to beg yet; I haven't learned how to convince people to open up their homes to me and feed me. And if I can't go out and consistently find warm places to spend my nights, then Aimless might just kill me. So I plan to wait until perhaps March or April. And once that time of year comes around, there will be nothing holding me back because Pinky now lives in my heart and my mind.

Getting back to what Chris said...

Both Chris and Jay have said that I should just go out there with a cheapo digital camera instead of holding out for someone to donate funding or a $2,000 to $3,000 camcorder. (Betty, did you say I should do it that way, too?) While I've certainly considered using a cheap camera, both before this web site existed and during its existence, I have been very hesitant to commit to that idea.

Not anymore. I think I've made up my mind to go ahead and use a cheap camera. I honestly don't know if Jay or Chris or Betty influenced this decision, but y'all may have. I really can't identify what has turned me in this direction, other than the emotional and intellectual roller coaster called life. If there is any particular thing I can point to as a catalyst for this decision, I think it's that I feel much simpler right now. Maybe Aimless is supposed to be made on a cheapo camcorder. Maybe that's what will ultimately make it attractive to viewers.

So I guess my budget has shrunk quite a bit now. Let's see what I'll need:

A cheapo camcorder;
At least 200 hours' worth of videotape;
Maybe a laptop;
A good hikers' backpack;
Good walking shoes;
Tripod;
Sleeping bag?
Compact tent?
A few changes of clothes.

I've surely omitted some important stuff, but probably nothing very expensive. Besides, I already have some of the things on the list. So basically what I'll need is a camera, the tape, and maybe $500 worth of other stuff. The laptop probably is not a necessity, but it would be nice to have one. So I guess I'm looking at about $2,000 to $2,500 worth of stuff (including the laptop).

I'm no longer worried about sponsorship. If people don't want to sponsor Aimless right now, then fuck 'em; that's their loss. I can easily get what I need. But when sponsors come knocking on my door after I hit the road or begin post-production, like I know they will, I won't be shy about demanding big money. I won't be in a rush to make deals with anyone, either. OK, I'm digressing in a direction I don't want to go right now.

Chris, I'm curious to know which Chris Weaver you are. Are you the Chris Weaver who works for a television station in North Carolina? Are you the Chris Weaver who had something to do with Independence Day (aka ID4)? Neither? Both?

Hey, if you're actually someone important, I respect that. I won't start nagging you or anything. All I know is that you seem to know a lot about some of the stuff I need to know about. If so, I hope you maintain an interest in Aimless. And I hope that if I ever require your expertise, I'll be able to provide something equally valuable in return for that expertise.

I think I intended to say a whole bunch of other stuff, but it's not coming to me right now, so I gues I'll sign off for now and write about the other stuff whenever it comes back to me. I wish I could let y'all plug into my brain and experience my thoughts and stuff. The thoughts just never stop, and I have such a hard time keeping up with them.

OK, I may be back soon.

Aimless

Mai's America

I just finished watching an awesome documentary called Mai's America on Free Speech TV (which is only available on Dish Network). It's about a Vietnamese girl named Mai who came to the United States to spend her final year of high school as an exchange student in (or near) Meridian, Mississippi.

Mai begins her American experience with a host family you might call, uhh, rednecks. (That's what they call themselves, anyway.) Both of the parents are unemployed and the teenage daughter seems to have raised herself. The home is not a happy place to be; it just blows my mind that this family could have been deemed worthy of hosting an exchange student. Not that the hosts are bad people or anything; the household is just clearly not a healthy environment for anyone, let alone an exchange student. Mai agrees.

Before I get in very deep, let me describe Mai a little bit.

Mai is a beautiful person. I'm not just talking about her physical appearance; I'm mostly talking about her energy and the gleam in her eyes and her heartwarming smile and the empathy she shows for all varieties of people. She is caring and curious. She sees the world through everyone's eyes, while those around her seem only capable of seeing through their own eyes. She is the kind of person you just want to be near.

In the beginning of the film, it's easy for the viewer to think of Mai as naive or uneducated because she has just dived head first into an alien culture. But right away, as she is shown interacting with her host family and at school and with new acquaintances, it is clear that Mai possesses a simple wisdom that somehow eludes almost all Americans. All the people she meets are so narrow-minded and judgmental, but Mai is genuinely friendly to everyone. She treats everyone with so much respect, and she is such a positive soul, yet it seems like everyone makes her feel like a misfit.

Except for one person. Early in her American experience, Mai begins a friendship with a gay drag queen named Chris, I believe. He adores her and treats her very well. I think they can both relate to each other because they both know how it feels to be a total outsider.

After several months of living with the redneck family, Mai decides she needs a change, so she moves in with a new host family. Her new host family is a young black couple who immediately provide a much more positive environment. But even though she has found a much better place to live, she ends up frustrated once again after the couple's relationship tenses and the wife starts preaching about how Mai's gay friend made the decision to be gay. It was not a preachy kind of preaching, but Mai was clearly frustrated by the host mother's refusal to step into the shoes of a gay person.

Mai also becomes frustrated when her school friends, who don't know she has a gay friend, begin speaking judgmentally about gay people. So even though she had already asked her gay friend Chris to be her prom date, she ends up going to prom with a Spanish exchange student instead. Although the film does not show her breaking the news to Chris, I think he understood why she changed her mind. Interestingly, though, Chris later reveals that he has torched all his drag queen gear and may have chosen to stop being gay. (Don't ask me how that's possible.)

Eventually Mai gets accepted to Tulane University and earns a scholarship that takes care of about half of her expenses. To help pay her tuition, she busts her ass as a waitress, yet she still feels like she's not living up to her end of "the deal." Soon enough she has to drop out of school because she can't afford it. Then her mother lets her know she can't come home to Vietnam because she has shamed her family or something.

Unfuckingbelievable.

In time Mai ends up in Detroit, painting fingernails and toenails, being a genius slave for stupid people, before going back to Vietnam.

I wish I could explain clearly how this film made me feel. For an hour and twenty minutes I had a smile on my face because Mai is such an amazing person. She's pure goodness in every way. She's so insightful and thoughtful and amazing, but no one seems to recognize how much she has to offer her world and the world.

But it damn near breaks my heart, too, for a couple reasons. First of all, I can't understand how people fail to see the incredible person in Mai. Second, I guess I know how it feels. I believe that I, like Mai, have so much to offer the world, but no one else sees it. And I'm just puzzled for both of us.

I want to give Mai a big hug, the kind of hug that really lets someone know you care. I sincerely hope she has found a place where she can fit in, and I hope she's doing well. And if she ever happens to stumble upon this entry, I hope she contacts me because I really feel the need to know her.

Aimless

Lonely pizza

I just mixed up some pizza dough for the first time in almost a couple weeks. I guess I haven't had much interest in pizza lately because I used to share my pizzas with Pinky just about every day. He loved it.

Now that he's gone, something special will be missing every time I make a pizza. I could start sharing pizza with Homer or Twerk (T-werk), but it will never be the same as pizza with Pinky. That's one of the many unique bonds I had with my little man.

Aimless

A very big game

Let the shit-talking begin.

As we enter the week leading to the biggest Ohio State/Michigan game ever, I think it's funny that no one seems to realize Ohio State has been beating everyone with their "C" game this year. We haven't seen shit from them yet, offensively, because they haven't needed to show anything. While other contenders have used the second half of games to purposely run up scores to impress pollsters (or to hang in there against crappy teams), Ohio State has spent their second halves trying to improve. Usually they end up scoring a lot anyway, but that's not their objective. That's why Jim Tressel is 4-1 vs. Michigan and 4-1 in bowl games (3-0 in BCS games), with most of those bowl wins being blowouts.

Next Saturday at 3:30, Michigan comes to the Shoe. Regardless of the teams' records, it should be a great game because it is Ohio State versus Michigan. But we all know this meeting will be a little different than every other meeting. This one is special.

Ohio State could end up winning a close one. Conversely, Michigan could end up winning a close one. Personally, I don't expect either of those possible outcomes because Ohio State is loaded with phenomenal players who also happen to be team players. Ohio State doesn't fear Michigan anymore, nor do they drown themselves in unnecessary anxiety in the days leading up to the third Saturday in November. Unlike the Cooper years, this is just another game for OSU. But don't get me wrong; it's still "The Game." (And don't believe anyone from either state who EVER tries to tell you otherwise.)

My Prediction: A welcome back to reality for the team from the state up north. Buckeyes will lead 38-14 in the third quarter, then allow the Wolverines (who, by the way, taste like chicken) another 10 desperation points as Ohio State runs out the clock instead of running up the score. Final score: 38-24 Buckeyes.

But that is not the end of it. Later Saturday night, celebrations on High Street will become minor rioting, but only AFTER the asshole cops start shooting tear gas at everyone. Of course, the media will never mention the cops' provocation in their sensationalist stories. Consequently, the nation will continue believing the myth that all OSU fans are violent arsonists.

They'll be comin' to my citay...

Go Bucks!

Aimless

You lost me, CBJ

Wow, you guys really suck. Is it the players? I don't think so. Is it the coach? I don't know. Is it the organization? Probably.

For whatever reason, the Columbus Blue Jackets blow ass, and I have no interest in watching their shitty games anymore. And Fox Sports, you suck too. Because of your shitty coverage, the games suck even when the team doesn't suck.

So I should go to the games to avoid such shitty coverage, you say? Yeah, right. If I don't want to watch them on TV, why would I want to pay to see them live? Besides, the owners made my decision for me when their greedy asses locked out the players and forced them to take pay cuts just so the owners could make a profit without having to do their jobs right.

Fuck you, NHL owners. Even though I like the game, I hope you all go out of business.

In case you might be wondering how this fits into my beliefs about treating people how I wish to be treated: If I was one these rich motherfuckers, getting even richer by ripping people off, I would expect and deserve this sort of hostility from regular folks like the real me. So there ya go.

Aimless

Jesus died, Part II

Because I added the content of this post to Jesus died for my sins, I no longer need it here. If you're interested, the post is about why I want to know a particular Christian college student better. I think it is a very good read.

Aimless

Jesus died for my sins

OK, so I was standing in front of Dino's last night (in Yellow Springs), smoking a cigarette, when an attractive young lady approached me and asked if I wouldn't mind answering some questions. She warned me that it was kind of personal stuff, in case that would make a difference. I told her to go ahead.

The girl introduced herself as Carissa, I believe, at which point I introduced myself as Ryan. After the introduction, she said she and her male companion (who was still inside Dino's at this point) were from Cedarville University. By now I pretty much knew what was coming because Cedarville is a Christian school (Baptist, I believe).

Carissa asked me if I had any strong beliefs regarding God and spirituality and whatnot, to which I answered, "Yeah, I have very strong beliefs, but I'm always open to the possibility that I may be wrong, and my beliefs may change if I see evidence suggesting I am wrong." She then asked me to reveal my beliefs. Like usual, when confronted with such a task, I was not exactly prepared to explain my beliefs because I don't think about it a lot. That is, I don't go around trying to convince people to believe what I believe, so I don't keep all the justification for my beliefs hovering around in the easy-access zones of my brain.

I guess it's kind of like trying to explain my bedroom or something. My bedroom is what it is, and I don't have to think about it much, nor do I have to memorize things about it or have faith in it; I just sleep in it. And if someone asked me to describe why I don't feel my bedroom is some kind of mystical place, I wouldn't know where to start. Similarly, my beliefs regarding God and spirituality come from what I see, what I experience, and also what I don't see or experience. In other words, there is absolutely no evidence pointing toward the existence of a god, so I don't think about it much, nor do I spend any time trying to rationalize my clearly rational stance. So, unprepared to explain why I don't believe there is a god, I told Carissa something to the effect of, "I just don't see it (God)."

I told her I do my best to treat people right. Not because someone told me to or because some book told me to, but because I believe that's the right way to live. I figured that out on my own, and I think that's a lot better than doing it only because you've been ordered to do it. I know I don't always succeed, but I honestly try to treat everyone how I would like to be treated. And when I fail, it's in my nature to punish myself pretty harshly. The best part about my way of living is that it's inherently sincere. (This paragraph alone makes God meaningless, whether he exists or not.)

But that is not the point of this entry. It was just the introduction--an establishing shot.

During my conversation with Carissa, she asked me some questions regarding how I feel about gifts and giving. For example, when someone gives me a gift (which doesn't necessarily need to be a physical thing), do I feel obligated to reciprocate the gesture or repay the gift giver? Or when I give someone a gift, do I tend to expect something in return for what I've given them?

I told her that when I receive gifts or favors, I do feel somewhat obligated to reciprocate the gesture, but I don't believe the gift giver should automatically expect anything in return. I mean, they had a choice: Either give a gift or don't give a gift. No one made them do it, and no one made them not do it. Similarly, I told her that if I choose to give someone a gift or do them a favor, I have no reason to expect anything in return. If I have chosen to give someone a gift, I have done it according to my own free will, out of the goodness of my heart, and I would be an asshole to expect any kind of repayment in return for my gesture. If that doesn't make sense to you, please ask me to elaborate.

Soon enough she got to the "Jesus died for your sins" spiel. Yeah, I've heard it a million times. Whatever. However, unlike everyone who has ever said "Jesus died for your sins" in my presence, she actually made some sense of it. For once, it was not just a meaningless, parroted talking point.

How did she make sense of it?

She likened Jesus's life to the gift question. She said Jesus led a perfect life, a life without sin, specifically for people like us. As a gift to us, he paid for our inevitable sins with his life. If we accept his gift by letting him into our hearts and by repenting (or something like that), then our inherent sins will be forgiven and we will receive another gift: eternal life in heaven with God. But if we don't accept his gift, forget about it.

Now, I know I have not recapped her explanation very well, so this may not all add up. In fact, it's not even adding up to me right now, although last night I felt like I had a pretty good grasp of the point she was trying to make. (I can hang with the idea that Jesus gave me a gift, but I don't see how acceptance of that gift is grounds for another gift. Is Jesus expecting a return on the gift I didn't ask for or what?) Hopefully I'll remember some of the details and revise this so it does make sense.

Until then, let's just pretend it all makes sense.

So why shouldn't I give my heart to Jesus? Why shouldn't I believe in a god? Why shouldn't I believe it's impossible for me not to sin? Why shouldn't I change my mind and join her religion?

Because even though this explanation may make sense, it's all based on premises that don't make sense. For me to believe her story, I must first believe that a god exists, even though there is absolutely no evidence. I must first believe that Jesus actually was the son of that god. I must ignore the reality of the life I've lived for almost 33 years and blindly choose to believe that all the ridiculous stories about Jesus could have actually happened. I must ignore the reality that most of the stories about Jesus were written by people who weren't there to witness his life, supposing he actually ever lived.

It all comes down to this: To believe her explanation, I must ignore reality and believe fantasy. Sorry, not interested.

During our conversation, Carissa said some other things that caught my interest. One was the belief that all humans sin, that we're all imperfect and there is no way to avoid sinning. Sometimes we just can't help it, yet other times we do it even though we know it's wrong. If we accept Jesus into our lives, however, all our sins will be forgiven, regardless of whether we knew our actions were wrong.

Um, I don't buy it. Like I said, I try my best to be a decent human being, and I don't always succeed. No matter how hard I try, I know I will still occasionally fail to meet my own self-defined standards of decency. Would I say it's impossible, though?

No.

Yes.

I don't know. But I don't pretend to know, either.

Aside from not buying into the automatic forgiveness thing, I also think it is dangerous, stupid, and irresponsible to believe all your sins will be forgiven. If you believe in that bullshit, it just opens the door for you to do whatever you want. You know your sins will be forgiven, just because you accepted Jesus's mysterious gift, so why even bother trying not to sin?

The scary thing about that question: That's exactly the kind of behavior I see from almost all so-called Christians. They have no conscience because their religion allows them to have no conscience. They have no conscience because their religion encourages them to have no conscience.

Well, my "no religion" doesn't allow me to live without a conscience, nor does my No God. In fact, my conscience punishes me a million times harsher than any religion or god ever could, and my sincerity punishes me a million times harsher than any religion or god ever could. Furthermore, I pay penalties for smaller things that most people would never even consider sins, like that one time when I didn't wave or smile at the old lady walking down the street as I turned out of my driveway. Yeah, I felt real shitty about that one, even though she probably never thought twice about it. I felt shitty immediately following the missed opportunity for a random act of kindness because I hold myself to some pretty lofty standards, and I'll never get over the fact that I can't go back and redo it. And no one ever forced me (or even suggested to me) that I should lead this kind of life. I figured it out on my own.

After thinking about this stuff (and lots of related stuff) for many hours both last night and today, an idea has come to me. Now before I reveal this idea, I want to make it very clear that I do not necessarily intend to act on the idea. In fact, I do not expect to act on the idea, either. It is simply a hypothetical situation relating to the differences and similarities between my life's guiding principles and Carissa's guiding principles.

So what's my idea?

I should try to get Carissa in the sack with me. Yeah, I should try to get me some of that.

Now before you go getting pissed off at me or accusing me of trying to take advantage of the girl, consider a few things. First of all, I'm not that kind of dude. Even if I wanted to take advantage of her, I probably couldn't allow myself to do it because I respect her both as a person and as a woman. I'm not going to lie; I think about pussy nonstop, just like every other heterosexual guy does. But there is a HUGE difference between thinking about pussy all the time (which is completely natural) and actively pursuing women solely for the purpose of "conning" them into unwanted sex.

Here's why I should try to get Carissa nekkid:

First of all, her rules are more permissive than mine. She knows it would be a sin for her to have sex with me, but she also knows her sins will be forgiven. She already told me there have been times in her life where she has consciously chosen to commit acts she knew were sins, although she was not specific about what those sins were. I'd imagine a few of them are pretty easy to guess: She has probably allowed herself to hate; she has probably lusted; she has probably been jealous; she has probably killed bugs or other pests. She may have even had [pre-marital] sex; I won't speculate. But regardless of whether she has had sex or not, and even though she knows it would be a sin for her to have sex before marriage, she can do it if she wants because she will be forgiven.

Now consider some of the principles I've chosen to live by. I'll try to keep it short.

Dating back to my teenage years, promiscuity has been a major turn-off for me. I don't think promiscuity is inherently wrong or a sin or anything like that; it's just not what I seek in a prospective partner because it is indicative of a personality that does not consider consequences. Conversely, unforced non-promiscuous sexual behavior (or abstinence or celibacy) indicates a personality that does consider consequences. It indicates a thoughtful, trustworthy personality. It says, "You can rest assured that this person will never cheat on you, either sexually or emotionally, because she (or he) has been true to you even before she (or he) ever knew you existed." I happen to find that attractive in a prospective mate. (And no, I am not bisexual.)

Now, if I want to find someone who leads that kind of life, shouldn't I lead that kind of life myself?

Yes, I should. So I have.

Needless to say, my dick has spent most of its life in my pants. I don't care if people think I'm a total wuss for living that way or admitting it; I happen to respect myself immensely for showing such restraint and for not stealing anyone else's self-respect. And I know my actions have made me a good catch. Too bad no one else seems to realize it.

But you know what? I'll be 33 next month and I'm way overdue for some fucking pussy!!! There comes a time when you start realizing that maybe your honorable actions never meant shit. Maybe I'm just stupid. Maybe all it means is that I'm a fucking loser who hasn't had any pussy for years and, as a result, I have no idea how to get it. Or maybe it means I'm just days or months from being rewarded for my patience, my good behavior, and all the other stuff. Maybe I'm about to meet my soul mate. Maybe I met her Wednesday. Or maybe I met her on 11/2/2004. How the fuck would I know?!?

But that is not the point. My point is that I should try to get me some of that because her guiding principles allow it and my principles seem to have been proven pointless or wrong. I have been a very good boy for way too long, and I think I deserve something for it, on the condition that I don't hurt anyone. And I just may give it a try.

Maybe there is something else to be learned from this hypothetical experiment. Maybe I should try it because it will ultimately end up showing that I am too decent to go through with it. Or maybe she'll end up putting the moves on me. Maybe by trying it I'll end up finding a good friend in her, or a soul mate. Who knows?

All I know is that if Carissa walked up to me right now and indicated that she wanted to do me, I would fuck her fucking brains out. And I wouldn't regret it, either, because I deserve it.

Jesus died for Aimless's sins.

Another one gone

My dad just got back from the vet's, where he picked up Homer after having him fixed. He told me that before he left he accidentally ran over one of the outdoor cats. (I don't think I've ever mentioned this here, but we have kind of a "cat colony," with most of the cats living outside.) It was Mickey, or as I called him, Fart. Dad said he died pretty quickly.

He was a sweet little guy, a little over a year old. Kind of annoying sometimes because he would always get on my lap and sneeze when I tried to smoke in peace, but a sweet dude nontheless.

Like most of the other outdoor cats, I made it a point not to get too close to him emotionally because I've seen too many cats come and go over the years. It's a defense mechanism I use because I have a hard time dealing with animal deaths. But I still loved him and I'll still miss him. Poor little guy.

I love you, Fart. Goodbye.

Aimless

Gonna try being social

Last Tuesday I mentioned that the vision in my right eye seemed to be getting better. Well, I was wrong. After Tuesday my vision went downhill once again, giving me double vision, headaches, and nausea all the way through Sunday.

I tried a couple new things Monday--some logical things most people would probably never think of in this age of worthless miracle pills. The first thing I did was make a conscious decision to keep my glasses off as much as possible. I figured my lens might be part of the problem, especially because the symptoms seem to worsen as each day progresses. Then, later in the day, I made a conscious effort to drink as much water as possible. For all I know, my problem might just be dehydration. To gauge how much water I was drinking, I filled one of those old rectangular orange juice jugs.

Since Monday my vision has been better. I don't know if it's good yet, but so far it is better. I don't know if it has anything to do with drinking more water or wearing my glasses less. I don't know if it has anything to do with the toxic batch of dextroamphetamine I stopped taking a week ago. All I know is that my vision seems to be better the last couple days, and I hope I'll continue in that direction.

So I think I'm going to head Yellow Springs ways today for the first time in almost two months. Gonna look for Arianna Huffington's new book, On Becoming Fearless.... in Love, Work, and Life, before heading to Dino's. Maybe I'll finally meet Dave or something.

In a comment regarding my medication, on I'm not dead yet, Jay said:

The "zombie" feeling has to be your body chemistry, which your meds would play a huge factor in. You need to get adjusted to meds, and sometimes it takes several weeks to get adjusted.

My response: Dexedrine and Adderall don't work like that; they are not mood altering mindfuck drugs like Zoloft and all the other anti-depressants. These two drugs are SPEED, and they start working from the moment you take them. (Yes, I take speed every day. I take it because it's good for my brain.) Then, eight hours later, they start wearing off. Kinda like smoking a doobie, but nothing like smoking a doobie.

Aimless

I have a voice

I went out and voted just after noon today. Took a small camcorder with me, to document any potential shenanigans, but I can't say I saw anything that stood out as unusual or unlawful. Additionally, I only had to wait about ten minutes, probably because I am a white person in a white precinct (or district or whatever).

Something interesting did happen, though. After an election official led me to the new touchscreen voting machine and set it up for me to vote, she began the process for me, skipping past a page I assume was instructions on how to do everything correctly. I immediately told her I would like to see the page because it was meant for my eyes and because I prefer to read instructions before beginning important tasks that depend on such instructions, but apparently it was impossible to return to the page. After she tried for about 20 seconds, I told her not to worry about it.

Although this probably was not a very significant issue, I wish I'd had the camera rolling at that moment because, in reality, something like that could cause major problems. I mean, there are surely a lot of voters who need to see that page. It's there for a reason, and I know she should not have done what she did. I know that if she was properly trained, she was not trained to skip that page without my consent. The scary thing is that I have no reason to believe she was properly trained. But if she was, we have some real problems aside from voter irregularities, voter suppression, rigged machines, and all the other real (and documented) threats to the integrity of our elections that most people still don't seem to know about.

I started touching the names of my preferred candidates when it occurred to me that I should videotape everything I do. I then took the camera out of my jacket pocket and turned it on before continuing with the remainder of my votes. I did this because I'd heard enough stories about people touching one candidate's name and subsequently watching their vote jump to the opponent's name. Having a rational distrust of our government and our elections, I felt the need to keep a record of anything strange that may have happened with my vote.

As far as I know, nothing strange happened to my votes. And in case you're wondering, here's how I voted: I voted for the Democrat in every race; I voted Yes to raise Ohio's minimum wage; I voted Yes on the Smoke Less Ohio issue; I voted No on the Smoke Free issue; and I voted No for the Southwestern City Schools' income tax proposal.

Normally I believe it is irresponsible and stupid when people vote "across the page" for either party, but we're living in strange days right now. I'm no fan of Democrats, OK. In fact, I'm no fan of any politician I know of. But the Republicans are just blatantly fucking corrupt, and we need to fire as many of those assholes as we can today because they are tearing apart the United States of America in every way possible. They've proven it over and over, and it's time for them to face the consequences. Enough said.

So while I was voting, one of the election officials asked me if I wouldn't mind stepping aside to talk to her when I was finished voting (obviously because I was taping everything I did). I had no problem with that. So when I was done, she asked me what the camera was for. I said something to the effect of, "I've heard plenty of stories about how people's votes have changed right in front of their eyes on these touchscreen machines, and I brought the camera as a sort of insurance. I don't trust these machines, and if it had happened to me, I would have evidence." She then asked me if I was associated with any group or anything. I said, "I'm an American citizen. This is all me; it has nothing to do with anyone else. I'm just a regular guy."

Moments after I left the polling place, it occurred to me that I should have taped my short conversation with her. I had the camera in my hand as I participated in a potentially important and meaningful exchange of information, but I chose to leave the power off. And I learned something from it, just like I learned something from not taping the earlier incident.

By voting today, I learned some valuable lessons about making a documentary. Lessons I really needed to learn. Lessons that will help me avoid making the same mistakes when I hit the road to make Aimless. Lessons that will someday help me recognize good stuff in time to capture it on tape. It also showed me how uncomfortable I may become at times when I finally do begin making Aimless, and it should prepare me to handle these situations better in the future.

I have a lot to learn. I know that much. I never tried to pretend I'm an expert or anything like that. But little things like going out to vote can be valuable learning tools; a lot more valuable than school. This is real-world school, and I can't wait to start using my education to create Aimless.

Let the healing begin

It's been three days since my best little buddy Pinky went away forever, and it's beginning to hurt a little less. Not that it will ever stop hurting, but I have to accept the reality that he has moved out of my physical life and now resides in my heart and my memory.

We buried Pinky Sunday afternoon in a special place. I put a few things in his box that belong with him, including a bottle of cat treats, his feeding dish, and a little note. I sure do miss him.

There is so much I want to say about Pinky, and I may do it soon enough (mostly for myself), but it's not very easy to do right now.

I love you, Pinky.

Aimless

Sorrow in my heart

My best buddy Pinky is gone. He died at about 5:00 this morning, peacefully. I've shed many tears in the last five hours, and I'll shed many more in the days and weeks to come because I have so much love for the beautiful boy. So much love.

I love you so much, Pinky, and I'll never forget you.

Good workers are easy to find

Last night my mom said something about how hard it is to find good workers, echoing what one might expect to hear from a hiring manager or a failing small business owner. As always, when I hear such completely ridiculous statements, I speak my mind.

I said, defensively, "No, it's NOT hard to find good workers." I then repeated her statement, adding some of the conditions that her ilk so often forget to consider when making such ignorant claims: "It's hard to find good workers who allow you to rip them off. It's hard to find good workers when you only pay $6 or $7 an hour." I continued, "If it is so hard to find good workers, then I should be getting at least a hundred calls a day from people looking for good workers."

As someone who would like to be (and should be) the owner of a small, independent pizzeria, I am 100 percent confident that I would have no problem finding, hiring, and keeping good workers. How do I know? Because I understand economics.

Now, I'm not necessarily talking about money when I say economics. When I say economics, I'm talking about the relationship between what one gives and what one receives in return. It can be money, but it can also be labor, information, services, love, or a million other things.

From now on, let's just pretend I already own a small pizzeria, which I expect to open in the coming month.

As the owner of a new pizzeria, I must invest in a lot of different things, with no guarantee of a return, before I can even think about opening the doors for business. I must develop a pizza that people will want to eat. I must offer edible side items, salads, subs, drinks, desserts, and other menu items. I must purchase adequate equipment. I must think of effective marketing strategies and spend quite a bit of money to impliment these strategies.

I must ask myself countless questions (with the first two from the target customers' perspective):

1) Why should I try your pizzeria instead of my usual pizzeria?
2) What do you offer that I can't get from my usual place?
3) How do I get people in the door for the first time?
4) How do I get people to come back?

There are hundreds more questions I must ask myself, but I'll stop here.

And the answers?

1) You should try "Ryan's Imaginary Pizzeria" because I'll make it easy for you. I am so confident that you will love our pizza, I offer a money-back guarantee. If our pizza is not the best pizza you've ever had, or if we are unable to replace your pizza with the best pizza you've ever had, I'll give you your money back. Every cent. Furthermore, if we fail to provide the best service you've ever experienced, I'll give you your money back. Every cent. Our goal is to provide every customer the most incredible dining experience possible, and I want to prove it to you by putting my money where my mouth is. You should not expect anything less from anyone. (**See explanation below.)

2) As I already said, we offer the best pizza on the planet. Now, anyone can make that claim, but do you know of any other pizzeria that offers a money-back guarantee if their pizza is not the best on the planet? Didn't think so. But here's what else we offer: A clean dining room; friendly people and great service; genuine smiles; fantastic subs, sides, salads, and desserts; community support; reasonable prices; passion for making the best food; safe delivery drivers; a wide open kitchen that shows you how much care we put into preparing your meal (as opposed to hiding behind a wall and using less-than-sanitary practices like you've grown accustomed to with other pizza places). Is that enough, because I can go on if you need more reasons to try us?

3) I get people to try us, first of all, by implimenting Risk Reversal marketing strategies such as the money-back guarantee. Of course, we must distribute thousands of pieces of our marketing materials before we can expect anyone to know we even exist. Another way to get people in the door is by sending out some free pizza postcards. If it costs me $3 in food cost to attract a family of four and convert them into lifetime customers, I'd say I'm making out pretty good. Additionally, these strategies create extensive word-of-mouth marketing.

4) Here's how I get people to come back: I serve them the best pizza they've ever tasted and I treat them like they rule because they do rule! They don't need "Ryan's Imaginary Pizzeria;" "Ryan's Imaginary Pizzeria" needs them. Same thing with employees.

These are not complete answers, but they are rational answers and they are the right answers. If you want to critique what I've said, don't look at it from a prospective pizzeria owner's point of view. Instead, look at it from a prospective customer's point of view. If you do, you should start to get it. But if you just keep thinking what people have always told you, then you will never understand. Similarly, you'll also never understand why more than 90 percent of new restaurants fail within a couple years of opening.

**If you doubt that a money-back guarantee would be effective, you're simply wrong. You think everyone will just come in and eat their meal, then ask for their money back, right? Wrong. It doesn't happen. Here's what does happen, though: People try your pizzeria instead of their usual pizzeria because you have made it easy for them. How do I know? Case studies. If you want to find out more about it, look up Kamron Karington.

Pretty long digression, eh? What was I talking about? Oh yeah, how to find good workers and keep them. So how is it done?

Just like you invested in your store space, your equipment, your marketing materials, your furnishings, your utility bills, etc., you must also INVEST in employees. You get what you pay for, and you only get what you give. If you pay superstars like chumps, they either work like chumps or they quit. It's not them; it's you!

If someone's labor earns me, the pizzeria owner, $50 an hour because they bust their ass, treat customers right (creating customer loyalty), attract new customers, and all that good stuff, why the hell would I pay that person $7 an hour? Why would I pay him or her less than $15 an hour or $20 an hour? Hey don't ask me, because I wouldn't do it.

But just about everyone else does. And when they do, they lose their moneymaker, either to another employer who will pay reasonable wages or to complacency and apathy.

Good workers absolutely are not hard to find. Good bosses are!

Aimless

A little less dead, perhaps

All of a sudden my right eye seems to be working better. Right now I can see very clearly when I cover my left eye. I'm not sure if both of my eyes are working together yet, but at this moment I can see clearly with my right eye.

I have taken very small dextroamphetamine doses the last three days (Sunday-Tuesday). Coincidentally, my vision was at its poorest Saturday, which is the last day I took a normal dose.

Is it cause and effect? I don't know, but right now I feel it's pretty safe to assume all of my recent problems resulted from a dangerous (if not toxic) batch of dextroamphetamine, manufactured by Barr Pharmaceuticals.

Will my vision be better tomorrow? We'll see.

Aimless

I'm not dead yet

I went to the head doctor today, like I do every two months, to get a new dexedrine (dextroamphetamine) prescription. Told the doc about all my recent problems, starting off by saying I've been a zombie since the day I opened my most recent prescription, then mentioning the sudden vision problems and the overall disfunction (or dysfunction?) that has accompanied the vision problems. As a result, I learned a little bit about the prescription drug industry and the fuckfaces who regulate it (the FDA, I think).

Perhaps naively, I figured generic drugs must meet the same quality control standards as brand name drugs. Not true. Manufacturers of generic drugs can basically do whatever they want and make prescription drugs that don't work, if that's what they feel like doing. So apparently that's what they do sometimes.

The doc told me lots of patients complain about generic dexedrine not working. The problem is not that all of it is bad stuff; the problem is that it is occasionally bad stuff. Being accustomed to getting what they've paid for (as the law should require), people freak out when their new prescription doesn't work right. Then, like me, they have to figure out whether they want to risk it happening again or if they want to try something new (and probably more expensive).

Can you believe that in the United States of America, in the 21st century, you can't even trust that your prescription drugs are made right?!? And this isn't some new, untested drug, either. It's something that was developed a long, long time ago and has withstood the test of time.

So I should just pay a little more for the brand-name stuff, right? Yeah, I thought so, too. However, they stopped making it in June of this year, and they're never going to make it again.

So today I had two options: 1) Get another generic dexedrine prescription and hope this time it's the real thing; or 2) Try Adderall, which I guess is essentially the same thing as real dexedrine (and for which I could get a free 30-day trial prescription). I chose the Adderall option because the last two months have been a fucking hell for me. I won't take any until tomorrow, and I hope it makes a difference.

One last thing: Fuck you, Barr Pharmaceuticals (aka Barr Laboratories, aka Barr Labs), for manufacturing and distributing drugs you know don't work. You can bet I'll spread the word about your shady business practices because there are consequences when you fuck people over. I may be one seemingly harmless person, but I am also a vengeful motherfucker when I need to be. I assure you that the crusade I'm about to begin will shrink your bottom line, you greedy fucks.

Aimless

Pizza! The Movie now available

After venturing over to the Pizza! The Movie web site yesterday, I noticed that Michael Dorian (aka Cat Price Productions) is now selling copies of the movie. (Betty, you showed some interest in securing a copy a few months ago, so I thought you might want to know about this.) I didn't look closely at the details, but I suspect it's only available on DVD, I believe for $20 plus $3 for shipping.

I'm guessing the movie has not received as much interest from distributors as Michael had hoped for, which is why he has started selling it via the web site. But who knows; I could be wrong.

I intend to say a lot more about the pizza movie in the next day or two, supposing I don't die first (or go blind), so keep an eye out.

Aimless

Is it my brain?

Right now, even with the brand new prescription lens levitating in front of my right eye, I cannot read this computer screen from less than three feet away using only my right eye. The left eye still works fine, and I could see reasonably clearly with my right eye just two days ago, but I can't see shit with it right now. This is not only frustrating; it's also getting kind of scary.

As I mentioned a couple days ago, the doc says both of my eyes are in fine condition physically. So is the problem in my brain or what? What else could it be if it's not my eyes and it's not my brain?

Aimless and sightless

Animator wanted

It's about time to mention voice-overs again, so here I go.

For anyone not reading this blog on a regular basis, I want to do voice-overs, particularly for cartoons. I talk about it every week or two in hopes of attracting the attention of someone who may be looking for good, new voices with personality, like Trey Parker, Matt Stone, Seth Green, or anyone else looking for the right people to help them put together some kind of kick-ass project requiring extensive voice-overs.

Because I know it is highly unlikely that I will be able to attract the attention of famous cartoon/animation producers such as those listed above, I have been brainstorming to come up with my own cartoon ideas. Having thought about it for a while, I have some very good (and ridiculously funny) plot/theme ideas bouncing around in my head. However, since I am not an animator or a visual artist, I realize it's not likely that I will be able to create a cartoon by myself. So, in addition to pimping myself to these famous cartoon makers, I am also on the lookout for beginning and up-and-coming animators willing to create something for fun or for their portfolios. If you may be interested, contact me.

Trey Parker, Matt Stone, Seth Green: In the unlikely event that you find and read this blog entry, I'd like to contribute a voice or a noise or some kind of vocal effect to one of your shows. I guarantee you'll like what I do, and I'm willing to do it for free to get my foot in the door. I'm not looking for attention, fame, or glory; I'm just looking for an opportunity to do something I'm good at. And a beer. Yeah, I think you'll have to buy me a beer, too. Just not a Sam Adams because The Boston Beer Company is stupid.

I'm living a lie. I'm Aimless.

It's so easy

This sucks. For some reason I have the song "Easy Lover" stuck in my head. You know, that duet by Phil Collins and the dude from Earth, Wind, & Fire.

Don't ask me how it got there. I haven't even heard it since who knows when. It's just there. And I have to deal with it until it chooses to go away.

Aimless like Sunday morning

Who loves pizza?

You do?

That's what I thought.

Well, you're in luck because I have pizza pages for you. If you want to learn how to make the best pizza you've ever tasted, visit the Aimless pizza page. But if you just want to talk about pizza--your favorite pizza place, an unusual pizza experience, or anything else you have on your mind about pizza--please go to the Aimless Forums, where I have just added a pizza category.

Pizza and Aimless... MMMmmmmmmm!

Misdirected hostility

A lot of Americans are fed up with illegal immigration from Mexico. Some view the mass immigration as a threat to their job prospects while others see it as a threat to their job security. They think it is wrong that illegal immigrants are able to come to the United States and secure jobs without surrendering a fair share of their paychecks for income taxes, social security, or any of the other standard deductions. They think it's wrong that Mexicans are able to snatch up the jobs many Americans would like to have, like construction jobs, factory jobs, and other blue collar jobs. They think it's wrong that such immigration continues (and will continue) to threaten the livelihood of the American worker.

And they're right. But they are pissed off at the wrong people.

Illegal immigration is not the problem; it is merely a symptom. The real problem is that the United States government turns a blind eye toward the criminals who hire undocumented aliens.

For those who may be unaware, it is illegal to employ illegal aliens. It is also illegal for employers to pay any of their employees less than minimum wage. And it is illegal for employers to evade payroll taxes by paying employees under the table. There are so many serious labor laws and safety laws that go unenforced in the practice of employing illegal laborers, I can't even begin to paint a reasonably clear picture.

And y'all want to blame illegal immigrants, who are only trying to take advantage of opportunities provided by our corrupt government?!?

If our elected officials would only prosecute and punish the dangerous, treasonous criminals who employ illegal aliens, illegal immigration would cease to be a problem because there would no longer be ANY economic incentive for prospective immigrants to enter the United States illegally. However, due to the fact that these dangerous corporate criminals also happen to be the major funders of political campaigns, such prosecution would be political suicide. (Anyone else see a conflict of interest here?) So rather than addressing the real problem, our elected public officials instead choose to talk about fences and border patrol because we Americans, collectively, are too stupid and bigoted to hold them accountable for their complicity.

And in case you didn't know, complicity to serious crimes is a criminal act itself. (Ironically, with the US government being a representative democracy and everything, this means the American people are just as guilty as the politicians and corporate thieves because we continue to elect criminals who allow other criminals to victimize us.)

Aimless

Blind faith

The term "blind faith" is redundant. By definition, faith requires believing something that cannot be seen or sensed or supported by concrete evidence.

Faith is the antithesis of proof.

Please have no faith in Aimless.

These eyes

As I've mentioned in two recent blog entries, my right eye has gone goofy on me. As of last Saturday, the eye just kind of stopped functioning correctly. Since then it has caused me lots of grief.

Well, as I watched TV last night without my glasses, I decided to check each eye's vision by blocking one eye at a time with my hand. Strangely, with my glasses off, I could see better with my right eye than with my left. Considering the fact that my vision was pretty much the same in each eye until recently, both with and without glasses, this didn't seem to make much sense.

So I went to see the eye doctor this morning. Everything relating to the health of my eyes is fine. I have no serious eye problems.

In the two and a half years since my last visit, the vision in my left eye has not changed. No surprise. But, as was clear to me several days ago, the vision in my right eye has changed considerably. I think the doctor said there is now more astigmatism than before. I'll take his word for it.

After my exam, I waited for them to cut me a new lens. Now, hours later, my brain is still getting used to the seemingly distorted information my eye is sending. But even though I know it may take a couple days before my brain starts interpreting things correctly, I don't feel like the whole problem has been solved. For example, when I hold my hand in front of my left eye, these words are still a little blurred in my right eye. It's way better than it was last night, but it's still not as good as my left eye.

I guess I'll just have to give it a few days.

The biggest question is: Why did this seem to happen almost overnight? Maybe it had already been a problem for quite a while but I just did not recognize it consciously until Saturday. Then, after becoming conscious of the problem, I began focusing on it constantly. I really don't know why it seemed to happen so suddenly, and maybe I won't figure it out.

Aimless

CBJ NOT for real!

Boy was I wrong about the Blue Jackets. They fucking suck! They've been shut out in two of their last four games, all of which were blowouts. Even in the two games in which they did score, they didn't score much. And they give up five goals almost every game.

This team is way too talented to be blown out every game. Nevertheless, they can't pass the puck or even control it. It seems like they're always chasing the puck, even when they're on the power play, which was most evident the night they gave up two short-handed goals. And they don't take care of the puck in their own end, which leads to turnovers and immediate uncontested goals. Pathetic.

I'm certainly a CBJ fan, but these guys blow ass right now. There should be a law that says people must refer to the team as the "Shitty Blue Jackets" unless they have a winning record.

In other news, I've been wanting to post more frequently, but this vision problem has kept me from thinking clearly. I know there are a ton of things I'd like to write about, but even existing ideas tend to elude you when your head hurts and you constantly feel like you're about to barf.

The Shitty Blue Jackets are Aimless

Doorway to the soul

One night about ten days ago I got something in my right eye, or so I thought. It felt like an eyelash or a small, harmless piece of random debris. I figured if I just kept blinking, the debris would naturally find its way out of my eye and everything would soon be back to normal.

It didn't happen.

For seven or eight days following the initial bout with the eye irritant, I continued feeling this uncomfortable sensation. The irritation was not constant; sometimes I felt it and other times I didn't. Sometime after the first day or two, I concluded that it must be a minor injury to the inside of my eyelid or something, and I waited for it to heal.

The irritation went away sometime Friday, but I began experiencing something different yesterday (Saturday). As of yesterday, the vision in my right eye is considerably worse than it was just the day before. As I sit here now, with my glasses on, I feel as though someone removed my right lens but kept the left lens in place.

This is not cool. I have felt nauseous, confused, and uncoordinated for much (or most) of the last two days. It is also giving me headaches.

I don't know what to think right now because I've never experienced or heard of anything like this before. I've been looking through a book that describes illnesses and medical issues, but so far I haven't found anything that matches what I've been experiencing. For all I know, I might end up blind in my right eye by next weekend.

What's worse than all this shit, though, is that my sweet little Pinkyman seems to be in his final days. He pukes almost everything he eats, and he's become eerily skinny. I've been fortunate to have him around for as long as 4-1/2 years, considering he has feline leukemia (and other health issues), but I'm not ready to lose him yet. I love the little guy so much.

Some pics of the beautiful guy:

Pinky in love.
Pinky really in love.
Pinky still in love.
Pinky done being in love.
I'll be away for a while, Pinky.
Pinky doesn't take shit from anyone.

I love you, Pinky.

Aimless

Questions

I don't know where I'll end up taking this entry. Based on the title (it had a different title when I wrote the rest of this sentence), I could write pages of randomly organized thoughts, but that would probably be pretty difficult to follow. Basically I'm just trying to write something because it has been a couple days. And even though my mind produces millions of blog-worthy ideas each day, these ideas always seem to vacate shortly before I get around to writing about them.

OK, so why does honesty and selflessness freak people out so much? Why are people so quick to make you their enemy when you don't completely agree with them? When you contribute to some kind of rhetorical argument by presenting both support and criticism for each side of the argument, why do people feel so compelled to ignore everything you said in favor of their perspective and present your words out of context in an attempt to make you look like an asshole?

Why are people so hateful and manipulative?

Aimless Aimless Aimless Aimless

Life is just a fantasy

(Can you live this fantasy life?)

Usually when I comment on someone else's blog or message boards I include Aimless's URL in my signature. Such was the case yesterday when I commented on Barbara Ehrenreich's latest blog entry. I admit that not a lot of people follow my links to Aimless, but I must have said something really good yesterday because more than a handful have already made their way here from Barbara's blog.

Last night when I noticed that people were following my link, I checked out my "Recent Visitors" stat page to see if they were looking at any pages other than the front page. Surprisingly about half of them did go beyond the front page, with one person spending over half an hour looking at various Aimless pages, including the Photos section.

Whoever ventured into my Photos section did not look at all the pictures or even most of them. This person mostly looked at the pictures of me, which makes me wonder: Do I have a new secret admirer?

It kind of turns me on to think that someone out there wanted to look at pictures of me, even though I'd like for people to look through the entire repertoire of photos. So who is this person? I imagine it must be one of them female types. And judging by how she found Aimless, I'd assume she probably has a reasonably sexy brain.

Oooh, yeah. You're making me so hot.

Newsflash: We interrupt this daydream to bring you important breaking news... Ryan, you have a very vivid imagination. There's a reason you haven't even touched a girl since like Nam. You are not going to get laid and you are not going to be loved. So stop floating in your tin can and come back down to Earth and buy some porn or something.

Aimless

Karmaceutical Police

mail.barrlabs.com

Hmmm, I just noticed this identification in one of my "recent visitors" lists. This means someone from Barr Labs, manufacturer of placebo-quality dextroamphetamine, has found the Aimless blog. Certainly the result of my recent allusions to dextroamphetamine.

What're you looking for, Barr? Am I not the only dexy user reported to have been a zombie for the last month? Why don't you send me some shit that actually works? That shit's not cheap, you know.

Aimless

What a shame

Yesterday I went to Middletown, Ohio for a celebration of my grandma's 80th birthday, where I saw my cousin Jeff for the first time since Easter. Accompanying him on Easter were his wife of about ten years and his 15(ish)-year-old stepson. Yesterday, however, he came alone because his wife abruptly left him for some other guy earlier this year.

When I heard this summer that Jeff's wife left him, I was shocked because they always seemed to have a great relationship and because Jeff is one of the nicest, most down-to-earth guys you could ever meet. (I can forgive him for voting for Satan. I mean Bush.) But there is also a kind of tragedy in this break-up, which I hadn't thought about before yesterday.

After the celebration, someone mentioned that they had asked Jeff if he has kept in touch with his stepson (or something like that). From what I remember of the conversation around me, Jeff was caught off guard by the question; it was something he really didn't want to think about because I guess he and his stepson were pretty close. Later on, my mom or dad said something about Jeff's wife having a restraining order on him, which keeps him from interacting at all with his stepson. (I don't understand why or how she could get a restraining order because Jeff most certainly is not a threat to anyone.)

Has this entry been difficult to follow so far? If so, it's because my head was not screwed on straight yesterday. Consequently, my recollection of yesterday is quite muddy.

After having some time to digest what I'd heard about Jeff's situation yesterday, my head started putting everything together. That's when I remembered something Jeff's stepson said last time I saw him: He kept making references to "my dad." At first I thought he was referring to his biological father, but I eventually realized "my dad" meant "Jeff." He considered Jeff his dad, which I imagine is very uncommon with stepchildren.

Another thing my mom said is that Jeff wanted to adopt his stepson when he and his wife got married, but his wife didn't want him to because it would end the child support from her previous husband. My mom also said that Jeff's stepson wanted to stay with Jeff rather than his mom after the breakup. If Jeff had gone ahead and adopted his stepson ten years ago, I guess that may have been a viable option. But because he never did adopt him, he no longer has the legal right to be involved in his stepson's life. (I guess this must be the motivation for the restraining order.)

Because you probably were not able to decipher this literary mess, here's what it all means: Jeff's stepson would rather live with Jeff than either his real mom or his real dad. However, because Jeff's wife is apparently a completely selfish twat, she's doing everything she can to keep Jeff away from the kid, who sees him as his true father--his one true parent. She's doing it even though the kid could really use Jeff in his life right now. She's doing it because she cares less about her own son than Jeff does.

What a fucking cunt, and what a horrible thing to do to someone you brought into this world and someone else who loved you and your kid more than you ever did. (Something I didn't mention is that her daughter, who's probably about 20 now, has had nothing to do with her for several years.) The weird thing is that I never added any of it up before now, but it all seems so clear all of a sudden.

Who are you trying to punish, Lori? And why?

What a shame. And parents wonder why their kids don't turn out how they always hoped. It's because they need your love, you bunch of fucking idiots. And if they can't have your love, they need someone else's love. And when you deprive them of love, you fuck their heads up permanently.

Jeff, you'll probably never see this, but if you do, I hope you can work everything out for the best.

"Son," if you ever see this, try not to let your mother's selfishness scar you for life. Realize that Jeff loves you as if you were his real son and that you'll be an adult before you know it. Just try to do the right things, even though you don't really have a good example to follow, and things will turn out all right.

I wish you the best of luck, Jeff and "Son."

Aimless

Good question

While looking over one of Aimless's stat pages a little bit ago, I noticed a new search phrase that brought someone to the site: "Why is my life aimless?" This search phrase immediately stuck out to me as deeper, more important than all the other phrases that attract people to Aimless. I mean, what kind of internal hell must someone be living to ask a search engine why their life is aimless?

I know how it feels to be that low. (Where do you think the title "Aimless" came from?) But I really cannot imagine myself asking a search engine such a personal question. I wouldn't even think about asking a search engine why my life is aimless because I already know the search engine doesn't have the answer. And I really don't think someone conducted this search out of curiosity; I suspect the searcher is someone who really does feel like their life is aimless.

Whoever you are: If you end up here again and need someone to talk to, don't be afraid to contact me. I'd love to help you if I can. If you end up here again and choose not to contact me, hang in there and try to let things get better. Life is not easy, but there is probably an answer to your most desperate question. Just try to get through the shit without doing anything irrational.

Good luck, aimless one.

Aimless

What would Jesus do?

The following is a comment I posted on someone else's blog:

It's interesting how Americans love to point out only the inequalities and injustices perpetrated against themselves or the group(s) to which they belong.

If you're over 50 and can't get a job that pays more than $7 an hour, it must be age discrimination. End of story. Forget the fact that most 20-year-olds, 30-year-olds, and 40-year-olds have the exact same problem, for every wise Baby Boomer knows younger generations are uneducated and incompetent.

Good ol' cognitive dissonance hard at work.

I am a 32-year-old white male from a "middle class" background. Although I am a hard worker with a great mind and five years' worth of college credit (which means nothing to me), I have never had a remotely decent job and I have never been paid even half of what I'm worth. I probably never will.

Is it because I am a 32-year-old white male from a "middle class" background? Absolutely not!

It's because the job market is no longer based on reason. (Was it ever? I don't know.) The people running the show, from the CEOs to the HR folks, are clueless and face no adverse consequences when they do their jobs poorly. Instead of hiring and promoting people based on merit and real life credentials, they base everything on who you know, who your parents were, the color of your skin, the length of your hair, how much money your parents were able to blow on your college "education," to what extent you'll allow them to rip you off, how well you bullshit people who don't have the ability to detect bullshit, and how many lies you tell on your pre-employment personality survey. (More lies = You'll probably get the job.)

Yes, there is age discrimination in the workplace, making things very difficult for some folks over the age of 50. But there is also race discrimination, sex discrimination, [young] age discrimination, cultural discrimination, subcultural discrimination, aesthetic discrimination (discrimination against ugly/short/fat people), and hundreds of other kinds of discrimination that are just as wrong (and counterproductive) as every form of discrimination I've listed here.

If you are a recently unemployed white, male Baby Boomer, you have led an easier life than almost everyone in the history of the world. So shut the fuck up about age discrimination unless you also care enough about your fellow human to speak up about all the other forms of discrimination in the job market.

But if you are one of the many privileged, financially stable, white Baby Boomers and you want to turn your money into more money, I have an idea for you: Throw some seed money my way to help me make Aimless. Or throw some seed money my way to help me open a profitable pizzeria. Or just hire me to replace one of the incompetent bullshitters you currently employ (but only if you intend to pay me what I'm worth). I am 100% serious.

Stop being so god-damn selfish. It might actually pay off for you.

Aimless

Not this time, Sparty

Eight years ago, like this year, the Ohio State football team began their season ranked #1 in the nation. As I lived in Las Vegas at the time, I was unable to watch many Ohio State football games from the comfort of my own living quarters. So almost every Saturday morning I went to a sports bar inside Sam's Town to watch my favorite team.

In 1998, like this year, the Buckeyes were cruising along with their #1 ranking secure heading into the Michigan State game.

Won 34-17 at West Virginia (8-4)
Won 49-0 vs. Toledo (7-5)
Won 35-14 vs. Missouri (8-4)
Won 28-9 vs. Penn State (9-3)
Won 41-0 at Illinois (3-8)
Won 45-15 vs. Minnesota (5-6)
Won 36-10 at Northwestern (3-9)
Won 38-7 at Indiana (4-7)

Like usual I headed to Sam's Town to watch the Ohio State game versus Michigan State, but an employee kept changing the channels on the TVs, always leaving the Ohio State game on some invisible TV. I kept asking the person in charge to put my game on one of the TVs, but I didn't have much luck and missed most of the first half.

In the second half, Ohio State blew a big lead: 24-9, I believe. After beating each of their first eight opponents by at least 17 points, somehow Ohio State allowed a mediocre Michigan State team to stay in the game and take the lead. Down 28-24 late in the game, the Buckeyes drove to about the Spartans' 10 yard-line and had their chance to get a touchdown and win a game that should have been over by halftime. They didn't do it. The Buckeyes lost 28-24 and dropped all the way down to #8 (a drop that could never happen to Florida, USC, Nebraska, Florida State, or any of the other non-Big Ten teams that have held the #1 spot over the years).

Including the loss to Michigan State, the Buckeyes finished the season as follows:

Lost 24-28 vs. Michigan State (6-6)
Won 45-14 at Iowa (3-8)
Won 31-16 vs. Michigan (10-3)
Won 24-14 vs. Texas A&M (11-3) (Sugar Bowl)

With lucky-ass Tennessee the only remaining undefeated team following the regular season, the question became: Which one-loss team will the Volunteers play in the Fiesta Bowl for the national championship? Well, even though everyone with a brain knew Ohio State was the best team in the country by far, it was no surprise that Florida State (who lost 24-7 to North Carolina State) received the #2 ranking and the right to play Tennessee for the championship. They had no business playing in that game, which they proved on the field, but they're Florida State, so who cares?

If Ohio State had just beaten MSU like they were supposed to, it never would have been an issue. Michigan State has a history of big upsets and big chokes, and the 1998 game was certainly one of their biggest upsets, if not thebiggest upset.

Not gonna happen this time, Sparty. Y'all have the talent to beat OSU and the OSU players are only human, but they have a combination of assets that makes them almost impossible to beat: they're ridiculously talented, they're deep, and every player on the team is a team player. The 2006 Ohio State football team respects every opponent, and they don't look beyond the next game, no matter who they're playing.

They won't lose today, and they probably will not lose this season.

My Prediction: Ohio State 45, Michigan State 13.

Aimless

Love is on the horizon

I originally titled this entry "This is funny."

From someone's Technorati profile:

I am a seeker of truth. I am a student of astrology... I plan to become a life coach and continue my astrological studies. Until then, join me as I search for meaning in everyday life.

Some people really are lost in a world of bullshit.

Pardon me, I mean they're Aimless.

I almost coined a word

Just a little bit ago, as I was reading something on this here computer, I came across the word 'democracy.' For some reason, after reading the word, I immediately thought of another word, 'documentary,' and my mind turned the two words into one: Democumentary.

I thought, "Wow, that could actually be a functional word; I wonder if anyone has ever thought of it before," and I proceded to do a Google search for "democumentary." Unfortunately I wasn't quite the first person to mix those two words into one, but I was close.

Aimless

You disappoint me, HBO

So there's this new documentary on HBO called "The Journalist and the Jihadi," which I watched last night. Well, sorta watched. This is one of those documentaries you don't really have to watch, because the content is all in the audio. The Journalist and the Jihadi is a talkumentary, not a documentary.

Now I expect that kind of shit out of A&E because they constantly air ancient episodes of Bill Kurtis shows, which are nothing more than talk talk talk, yap yap yap, boring boring boring. But I expect much more from HBO. (In fact, I had been drafting an entry weeks ago, contrasting A&E/Bill Kurtis Productions to Spike Lee/HBO's "When the Levees Broke," which had my eyes glued to the TV for 4 hours and 15 minutes.)

The constant talking in The Journalist and the Jihadi made me close my eyes. It literally gave me a headache because there was so much talking and because the pictures were mostly meaningless. For a while I stopped paying attention to what people were saying and started listening to the empty spaces between yapping to see if they could manage even a 2-second gap in the yap. They couldn't do it. Finally I couldn't take anymore, so I changed the channel.

Y'all surely know the saying, "A picture is worth a thousand words," right? (Duh.) Well, many documentarians consider it absolute truth when it comes to making documentaries. The best documentarians consider it absolute truth. On the opposite side of the spectrum, as I so clearly witnessed last night, a thousand words isn't worth a picture. 20,000 words is not worth 20 pictures. I don't know how many words there are in The Journalist and the Jihadi, but there are thousands and thousands too many, and it was extremely irritating.

The Journalist and the Jihadi does not need to be on a visual media. The Journalist and the Jihadi should not be on a visual media. It should be on the radio or in a book. Radio and books are sound/word media. Film and video are for pictures!

I tend to think of most HBO documentaries as pretty high quality stuff. I'm talking about content quality, not necessarily production quality. But The Journalist and the Jihadi didn't even come close. I wanted to know about its subject (Daniel Pearl), but I didn't want it to be so much work, and I won't try again next time it's on.

You puzzle me, HBO. Why do you devote so much time, money, and effort to bad documentaries like The Journalist and the Jihadi (and Plastic Disasters, which I also thought would be good until I watched it) but then ignore me when I contact you about Aimless? Jesus Christ, I could have called Aimless "America Undercover" (which, as many people know, is the label or brand HBO attaches to many or most of its documentaries).

What happens when I do this? journalist jihadi hbo

Aimless