I've been struggling a bit with the reality that Aimless seems to be more about me than it is about what I'm creating. I feel like the web site is very similar to a personal home page in a lot of ways, projecting a message of "Look at me. Listen to me. Give to me. ME ME ME!" And to be totally honest with y'all, I'm very uncomfortable making myself so visible to the world; I generally like to remain in the periphery, not attracting much attention to myself.
The original incarnation of the Aimless idea could have been described as purely a travel documentary--an attempt to recreate an experience similar to that of the characters in Rain Man or Easy Rider. It was to be almost exclusively about the people, places, and things I would see, with me remaining behind the camera most of the time. But as I thought about it, I realized that's not enough. That would be interesting but not compelling, so I had to rethink some things.
As I continued thinking about making a documentary, I realized this project had everything to do with me and my unique life experiences. While there are certainly plenty of interesting people and places out there for me to find and document, this is my story, and my story is pretty damn interesting, too. So I'll tell your story and my story both. In fact, I really don't know yet what story I'll tell because the story cannot be told until the story has occurred. This blog entry is part of the story, but it's not part of the film, just as my life is part of the story but may not be part of the film.
Anyway, I don't like being the center of attention. I don't even talk to people much anymore because I realize most people can't identify with me. And because I've spent so much time in isolation over the last two years, my social skills are not exactly sharp. So why am I all of a sudden forcing myself upon the world, sending dozens or hundreds or thousands of e-mails to people, inviting them to look at my web site?
It's not because I crave attention; it's because I need to learn how to seek the right kind of attention. I need to learn how to not care so much about what people think of me. I need to learn how to communicate my ideas better. Call me a whiner if you want, but I need to try to undo the psychological damage originating from way back in high school, when my parents and teachers treated me like a worthless fuck-up.
Aimless is taking this form because I have something really special to offer the world, but I have to pass a lot of my own tests before I can give it to them.
I don't know how it feels to trade money for goods and services because I've never really had any money. And I don't know how it feels to trade any other kind of personal asset for anything of value because no one has ever taken me seriously or traded fairly with me.
I have no reason to believe in humanity anymore, and Aimless will either give me reason to believe or it will kill me. Either way I win.
Sometimes you just have to say "Fuck it" and face your fears. Right now is a good example: This entry does not say what I intended to say when I began writing it; I think it is some of the worst writing I have ever done. But I'm going to post it anyway because right now it's time to say "Fuck it."