I want to get back out on the road. I don't like being here, isolated from the rest of the world. I don't like being here, always able to procrastinate. I don't like being here, in Ohio.
Just a few months ago I was afraid to go out in public. Remember that? I wrote a blog entry titled, "Gonna try to be social" or something like that. I think it was when my vision suddenly went bad, giving me constant headaches and making me feel like I was about to puke all the time. And yeah, that was caused by the dextroamphetamine (generic Dexedrine). I'm almost sure of it.
I still don't feel too comfortable in public, doing regular, everyday things. For example, I've been going to Dino's in Yellow Springs every Wednesday since I returned home. I spend most of my time at Dino's reviewing tapes, taking notes, not talking to anyone. Even when a very famous local comedian (whom I'd like to meet) comes into the store (as he does on a regular basis), I pretty much tune out and stay in my own little world. It's part focus, part fear; the kind of fear that grips you only because you don't have anything of substance to worry about.
It's unnecessary fear; fear I absolutely would not feel if I was on the road because I would be more concerned with figuring out how I might get something to eat. I would be more concerned with trying to figure out if my ankle is going to be screwed up for the rest of my life. I would be too in awe of the really great people I encounter.
The stability and synchronicity of my life at home keeps me fearful of things that shouldn't even bother me. Someday maybe I'll live in harmony with that kind of stability and synchronicity, but right now it's my enemy and I want out.