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I've had a couple days to think about it, and I've decided Aimless most certainly is not dead. I was just really upset a couple days ago because my dad is (and has always been) an unsupportive asshole. After I suggested to him Monday that some people would rather not have canned cat food dispensed (and spilled) on the human food preparation area of the kitchen island, he went fucking nuts.
How dare anyone challenge Larry in any way, whether he's right or wrong?
Fuck him. He has fucked with me my whole life simply because I was never a miniature version of him; because I don't learn the same way he learns; because I'm not interested in the same stuff he's interested in. Even to this day he treats me like I'm a fucking idiot who could never succeed at anything. And every time I do accomplish something great, neither he nor my mom thinks much of it. As far as they're concerned, I will always be a fuck-up.
When I bowled my first 300, my parents were shocked, not proud. When I bowled my second 300 five months later, my parents were shocked, not proud. And even though they realize I've taught myself to make the best pizza they've ever tasted, they cannot comprehend the idea that Stupid Ryan might actually have what it takes to operate a very profitable pizzeria. Even though I've demonstrated a thorough understanding of pizza marketing and all other aspects of pizzeria operations, they refuse to believe in me because they know Ryan is fucking stupid. And they've lied to me more times than I can count. They're not even good at it, but they never back down whenever I call them on an obvious lie. That's how stupid they think I am.
And you know what? I'm glad my dad exploded because it reminded me what Aimless is all about. It reminded me that almost no one believes in me. It reminded me that I'm alone. It reminded me that I have done a lot of great things despite the fact that no one has ever believed in me. And it made me realize that I will accomplish a lot more great things, beginning with Aimless.
I know I am the underdog, but that doesn't mean I'm not good at what I do. It just means that no one recognizes how good I am at what I do. Similarly, the "experts" in Vegas expected the Ohio State Buckeyes to lose by 2 or 3 points in Austin last Saturday night, but OSU won by 17 and could have won by more. Well, I'm a Buckeye, literally and metaphorically, and I will win.
Hi --
ReplyDeleteIt's Betty in Beavercreek.
Ryan, one thing I think I respect most about you, even though I don't know you very well, is your ability to honestly express the pain in your life. That's a gift I hope you never lose. And I hope some day you can express joy equally as well, and will have good reason to feel joy.
Let me tell you about a woman friend of mine: she has survived really serious sexual abuse from her stepfather, who basically raped her almost every night from the time she was four years old till she became a teenager and became able to put an end to it herself. And worse, when she confided in her mother, her mom accused her of either lying or being responsible for it all -- to this very day.
This woman has learned to not collapse under this burden. She has a husband and while her marriage is not perfect it's not bad either, and she has 2 little boys and is a good mom. She learned not to be crushed by the unspeakable cruelty she experienced, to call it what it was but not to blame it and she has become a pretty normal person. It wasn't easy, but I tell you about her because she is proof it can be done.
I hope you can and will consider getting out of the negative environment you are living in - get out of that house even if it means getting a stupid job. It's worth it. Don't keep waiting for your "vision" to happen - get out, get a life and begin to heal.
There are people out here that genuinely do care about you and do see your value, and it doesn't have a darn thing to do with your movie or any other accomplishement or lack of accomplishment. Find those people and draw your strength from them.
There's a lot more hope than you think.
Ryan,
ReplyDeleteFirst of all, I'd like to say that you are welcome to "unpublish" this comment if you don't want it to appear in your blog. I would certainly understand that. I am only sending this to you as a comment, because it seems that you really respond to this kind of a forum.
I'd also like to share that I feel a little hurt that you don't recognize that you do have people who believe in you, who support you, and value you as a person, because I think that I'm one of those people. However, I want to comment on something else before I get into all of that.
"Betty in Beavercreek" has pointed out a character trait that you have that she values, that I value, and that other people who have come to like you also value. That character trait is your genuine character, your emotional honesty, and your ability to share your feelings with most anyone. Many people do not feel comfortable with sharing their feelings with other people. They are afraid of the consequences of sharing how they feel inside.
Now, I do understand "Betty in Beavercreek"'s reflections about your tendency to put more energy into expressing negative feelings, like pain, anger, and sadness. I have also seen how well you can express more positive feelings, like joy, happiness, and contentment. The story she offered illustrates that it is possible to overcome life's difficult situations without projected anger, resentment, revenge, and self-burdening guilt and self-hatred.
As you know, I agree with the idea that "Betty" proposed in her comment.I think that you should never wait around for something to happen. You have to act in order to make things happen. Sitting around, waiting for your latest "vision" to come true is not a good strategy for joy and happiness. Living out that vision is far more effective at producing that joy.
Your principles on not accepting wage labor, because the pay and the recognition is not acceptable to you seems really silly to me, in light of the fact that you really have not lined up any other means of making a living. You are overrelying on your "visions" of working for yourself someday, rather than making enough money to survive the initial period of low to zero pay that comes from that choice. That choice to, essentially, wait around for something to happen does not seem responsible to me.
Granted, you have established a attractive website with some interesting and unique content and have been really active with your blog, which I also think has some great content. These efforts are part of establishing yourself, but they are not your bread and butter. As you have pointed out, the website and blog are marketing and promotional tools that also allow you to communicate with your audience.
Now, on to my other comments...
'What am I? Chopped liver?'
That is how I feel when I read these expressions you have laid out in text: sad, hurt, and unappreciated.
These are the words you published:
I'm glad my dad exploded because it reminded me what Aimless is all about. It reminded me that almost no one believes in me. It reminded me that I'm alone. It reminded me that I have done a lot of great things despite the fact that no one has ever believed in me.
... and this one ...
I know I am the underdog, but that doesn't mean I'm not good at what I do. It just means that no one recognizes how good I am at what I do.
I've put the thoughts that appear to be running through your head right now, since you wrote these words, in bold text. Maybe that way you can see how other people might interpret what you wrote, and maybe you can learn something about yourself by reading your own words in a different state of mind.
When will you realize that you are not alone? Many people feel alone sometimes, but they find happiness inside somehow. Many people have felt unsupported, but that didn't hold them back. An underdog doesn't need to focus on being crushed in order to triumph. He just needs to focus on being triumphant.
When will you realize that you have good friends? You have the tendency to meet people wherever you go, and some of those people have become friends to you. Aren't you forgetting about them? Don't they matter to you?
When will you realize that you have a good family? They might not handle every situation how you think it should have been handled. They might make mistakes from time to time in their lives when it comes to you. However, your parents, your brother, your sister-in-law are all people I consider to be good people who love you and support you. They all wish that they knew how to help you more than they already do or have done. There is only so much perfection that you can expect from a human being. If they give you a break, then why can't you do the same for them?
Anyway, that's enough commenting... maybe too much. I just feel compelled to address this last post you published on your blog, because it doesn't seem fair that you posted a diatribe against your parents on Aimless.
- docrivs
Jay, I'm not going to "unpublish" anything. This is a free speech zone, and I am not afraid of criticism or any other adverse remarks. I have nothing to hide.
ReplyDeleteYou know what? I'll just pretend everything's fucking great, OK. I'll pretend our "president" isn't a criminal. I'll pretend that more than half of the kids in the American education system don't get fucked with by their teachers every day. I'll pretend that black Americans have the same opportunity as white Americans. I'll pretend that my parents ever gave a fuck about me. I'll pretend that I'm not poor. I'll pretend that most of this nation's population is not poor. I'll pretend that corporations don't steal from us and endanger our lives. I'll pretend that we can believe even half of what "the news" tells us.
Is that what you want?
Maybe I should do what everyone else does. Maybe I should pretend everything is just fucking fabulous, for myself and for the rest of the regular people of this country, because that's what my teachers taught me. Because that's what my government tells me. Because that's just how it works.
No, that's not just how it works. That's how it works when an entire nation is too lazy to think and speak up and make the right sacrifices. You choose to sacrifice your future by accepting shit as it is. I choose to sacrifice my "now" so I can have a future. And I don't care if you disapprove of my decisions or my perspective because I have put tons of thought into it and I'm more critical of myself than you or anyone else could ever be.
Regarding your comments to the italicized stuff:
Maybe you don't realize this, Jay, but I always put a lot of thought into the words I write. I almost always mean exactly what I say. There is a reason I said "almost no one believes in me" instead of "absolutely no one believes in me." It's because almost no one believes in me, OK. When I wrote "almost," I was thinking specifically of you and Betty as the exceptions. If that pisses you off, you're just pissing yourself off by interpreting words that don't need interpretation.
And I am alone. Not completely, but for most intents and purposes. I'm not even going to try to explain that.
You're telling me someone has ever believed in me? That's funny because I feel rather unemployed and I feel like I've never been paid over $9.00 an hour. But I know I've made some of my employers hundreds of dollars for each hour I worked. And I know I could have done the same thing for my parents if they had believed in me enough to open a pizzeria. Now, I wouldn't expect that of them if I didn't know what the fuck I was doing. But I do know what the fuck I'm doing when it comes to pizza, pizzeria operations, pizza marketing, and customer service. In fact, I know more than almost anyone about the whole package. That's not bragging; that's just the truth. And if you think I'm being arrogant because I'm not afraid to point out what I'm best at, then I don't fucking care. It's not arrogance; it's confidence and honesty. There is a big fucking difference.
You either don't read what I say or you don't have the ability to consider alternate points of view, so I'm not going to respond to any more of the boldface stuff.
I don't criticize your personality or your beliefs because your world is not my world. So why do you criticize who I am when you don't live my life? You and I have very different objectives in life. You've always wanted lots of pussy NOW--good pussy, bad pussy, any pussy--while I've pretty much kept my dick in my pants, hoping someday I'll meet the right girl. And believe me, I think about pussy nonstop, just like every other heterosexual dude. But it's not all good stuff; most of it is bad stuff. And someday I might just catch me a good woman precisely because she realizes I've already been "faithful" to her for years.
If you don't like the things that make me who I am, don't think of me as a friend.
You don't know shit about my family. You only know what you've seen of them. You've said plenty of mean things about your mom, and I don't judge you for it because I don't know your mom very well. I don't know how it feels to be Jay Rivers, so I can't judge Jay Rivers by my own life's criteria. Your mom might be the most fucked-up person in the world for all I know, but she may not be. I am not going to pretend to know what I don't know.
Maybe you don't think you have anything spectacular to offer this world. Maybe you don't think I have anything spectacular to offer this world. Maybe it's best for you to keep playing by the artificial rules imposed on us by the people who control us, but it doesn't work for me. I know I have plenty of spectacular things to offer this world, and I'm going to do it. And if I die before I succeed, then I'll die knowing I stood for something really great. I'll die knowing I made the world a better place in some small (or large) way, even if I never got anything in return for it.
And that is what I think is important in life.